why do we doubt ourselves so much?
second guessing our talents.

do you feel a yearning to paint and so you do, only to step away from the canvas and see garbage?

maybe you can't even get that far, maybe you doubt your abilities and what you have to offer so much that you figure you'll spare yourself the lost time and pain, and don't even pick up the brush.

are you a musician that thinks every song you try to write sounds a lot better in your head?

do the stories you try to tell find their conclusions somewhere further than you think your imagination can stretch.

we all have gifts and God loves them.

do you often think of writing a song, molding some clay, telling a tale and you get ahead of yourself and are convinced that no one would want to buy it, read it, hold it, want it?

we all create and God loves it.

think about children.
some of you have them, most of us were children at one point, some of us still are.
when you look at your refrigerator is it adorned with the pieces of art that the world finds most beautiful, or is it covered with what pleases you?

pictures of loved ones, inspiring quotes and more often than not...
children's art work.

it's up there because the child that created it poured their heart and soul into it, they believed that it was the most beautiful thing that they could create and they wanted to share it with the ones who love them unconditionally.

and

because that loved one, that parent, doesn't see the colors outside of the lines hanging from the fridge, or the singing of a song that isn't impeccable. that parent sees a work of heart so filled with love and passion that to them it is the most beautiful creation they've ever seen.


that's the gift that we have.
we have a father that loves us eternally and never stops being proud or in love with our creations and our beauty. after all, we were made in his image and he loves us, his creation without exception, so why shouldn't we do the same.





keep creating, create every day. make beauty out of every doubt that you have.

Rising Doubt
there’s been a thousand different days with a thousand different dawns, but each dusk sets the same.

over plains of regret, through the leaves of mistakes, chances set with rays of sun.

i’ve never once said goodbye to the doubts in my head, i’ve never once even thought of leaving.

there’s something weak in my needs that overpowers me, and leaves me watching grace melt again.

someday soon i’ll begin, there’s another chance with dawn, i can feel the day is mine.

although the sun’s out of view, i trust it will come anew, it’s only me that i doubt will rise.

___________________________

that was something i had written a while ago that i felt compelled to reread today.

it seems like anytime i make a decision, i'm met with resistance. not normally from people (unless i count myself). no, rather i'm met with a version of murphy's law that kicks in.

if i decide to diet, there are cook outs and birthday cake.
if i want to rollerblade, it rains.
when i want to write, the laptops dead & i can't find the powercord.
when we want to take a trip with the tax money we're gonna get in 3 weeks, the car breaks down in 2.

there's countless examples and i was actually starting to have a laugh at all the memorable ways i've leaped over a hurdle, only to land in dog shit. . but sometimes, sometimes i get the strength to scrape it offall of it and get to where i'm going, succeeding where i've tried. and as corny as it might sound, i believe it's where we've had to over come that we find the most reward. it actually makes me wonder if the obstacles are placed in our paths to keep us from our goals, or if they're put there to see how badly we want it.

i think it's both.

if we overcome one obstacle, we're that much more motivated to go for the next one, and with every success, we gain height and speed. laziness, complacency and a general negative outlook on life don't want this to happen because there's no telling where it will end, if at all. a lot of the bully mentality is covering up its own fear. sure, some bullies can hold there own, but most are so afraid of getting hit themselves, that their only way to survive is to keep their prey from even raising a fist.

on the more positive side of the thought, i think obstacles are a way to weed out the undeserving. much like dieting, physical fitness, studying and practically anything else you can think of, if they were easy to accomplish, everyone would do it. but some people don't have the strength and passion to deserve it and that's why i'm glad that the best things are worth the struggle. there is a lot of truth to not appreciating things that are given to us, but willing to die for the things that we have had to bleed, sweat, and work for.

we see this alot with the spoiled uber rich celebs on tv, who will never know what it's like to have to work and save weeks just to be able to buy a single dvd or go out to dinner, all the while, they're spending hundreds of dollars on an outfit to wear once and then retire.

think about this example.
think about your childhood, were you ever at a store and you whined for something, or even just asked for it and you got it. you just HAD to have it.

how long did you play with it before you were begging for the next thing, the next toy?
now think about the toy that you really really wanted that you began petitioning for a christmas gift before thanksgiving hit (red rider anyone?). i know i had years like that when there was just that one thing that i had to have. the times that i had to wait until christmas were so full of longing, pain and suffering (from a child's perspective!) and when i got that gift, i played with that thing until it was unrecognizable!

there's such a sense of ownership in those things that we battle for.

so why now, in our adult days, can we not remember those fights, how can we not remember the worth we felt when things did not come so easily. i hope that i can relearn that feeling. i think it would make quite a difference in all that my life involves.

when i exercise if i want to stop and pant or play the " i just can't do it" card, i try to remember that i can stop. i don't have to do the last 3 reps, or run that last 1/4 mile. that is a choice, but tomorrow i'll look just like i do today and i'll regret not fighting through it.

when i try to write and i spend an hour surfing the web instead, or i remember there was a show on that i just HAD to catch, i try to remember that i get the choice. but tomorrow i'll wake up with the regret because i know what i wanted to choose and instead i still have a blank page.


it will never be easy, and i think that's a good thing.
you wouldn't take pride in shooting a deer that was on a 2 foot leash, you want the hunt.
that's where you find the glory, the passion and the love.

as i once heard,
God didn't allow the deer to avoid the rough terrain, instead he gave them the hooves to traverse the grounds.

i fall short more often then not, but i try not to forget that.
that i should'nt ask for the obstacles to be removed from my path, but instead to ask God to bless me with the tools and abilities i need to overcome them.

i hope we all find what we need to overcome whatever stands before us.

good luck and God bless you.

(this ended up much longer than intended so please forgive me for not going back to spellcheck!

main course

Garnish is a substance used as an embellishment or decoration on a prepared food dish or drink item. In some cases, it may give added or contrasting flavor, but a typical garnish is used to augment the visual impact of the plate, not to enhance the flavor.

i felt it was important to put this definition here. i wanted to make sure that anyone reading this had a sound understanding of what a garnish is.

an embellishment,
a decoration,
typically used to make something look better but not to enhance the flavor.

so basically it's not there to have any real effect on the food that it's been introduced with, it's just there for looks, for show. used to make the main dish look better



God is my garnish.



i spend very little time making choices that i know that God would approve of.
i spend even less time worrying about that. instead i just continue to live the normal, selfish, comfortable life that i have set up for myself. i can honestly say that i think about God every day but it's more on par with the thoughts i have wondering if the mail has come yet.

a fleeting thought and then i'm back to my plan.

at this point, right now, i've become so numb to my actual relationship with God that i had to get honest in a hurry and delete a sentence i had just typed here where i had written that it pains me to think that my relationship with God is so sterile. i deleted it because immediately afterwords i realized that it didn't pain me, sadly it didn't effect me at all, but i thought that it was the right thing to say after admitting that i don't seem to care about my relationship with God.

i want that to change, i've been trying to go through the scholarly efforts of reading my bible, and carving out time for prayer but that's not what i want and i don't think that's what i need right now either. i need to feel Him and i need to breathe Him.

i'm so sick of the fact that i use God as the garnish in my life. the only times i seem to make sure He's around is when i want someone to see my bumper sticker so they can assume that i'm all the things that i hope that bumper sticker leads them to believe i am, or i sprinkle a little God garnish into conversation, hoping someone will ask or find out that, yes, i DO go to THAT church and i do know THAT guy., or when it might make me look like an even better person than i've already convinced myself i am. there's not a plank in my eye friends, there's a whole damn forest. i feel pity for others who don't know or follow my God because of how wonderful that way of life is but i can't even stand on solid ground with my own lifestyle for the beliefs that i claim are better than theirs.

using God as a garnish i sprinkle a little bit of Him over here so these people will SEE my bumper sticker, and i lay out a little of Him over there so that those other people will be sure to HEAR what church i attend, instead i should be worrying about setting an example of Him by what i DO.

but so far i'm too selfish, too vain, i'm too concerned about my appearance, i don't care that i have no flavor, no zeal, no soul because i've convinced myself that people can't taste that anyway, they just need to see that it looks and sounds good and that will be enough to send them on their way with a positive opinion of me.

i want this to change, and i'm trying to be brutally honest and i hope that it's enough for now.
if i'm the only one acting and feeling this way than consider this my confession, but if i'm not alone than i would like to consider this the beginning. the start of a change in the order of importance and acceptance.

please feel free to check in on me from time to time, to offer comments, criticism, or support, i'll welcome it all.