restaurants & regrets

i laugh at my own misery.

how can you not laugh at a situation that involves me looking down at my stomach, shaking my head at how much weight i've put on, and then turn around and eat like i'm trying to make weight for a wrestling match.

i know it's not really funny, but just the way that addiction can make us act/look it puzzling to me.
there have been countless times where i have been determined to lose weight, i've been doing quite well and then someone orders pizza at work, or there's a cake for a birthday or any number of limitless options. and although i might put up a bit of a fight sometimes, i usually end up caving in and eating. again, the part that amuses me is how i can put that food up to my lips and yet in my head i'm screaming at myself "YOU DON'T NEED IT!!! IT'S JUST JUNK FOOD! THINK OF HOW MUCH BETTER YOU'LL FEEL IF YOU JUST SAY NO!"

and that's just it. i feel better when i eat better, i look better and it's healthier, so basically there's no positives to the way i eat and yet i still choose the path of the fatty foods. and some how i end up there every day, fighting against myself, fighting against logic but trying to gain the upper hand. and now i think of another humorous tragedy in the battle of belly bulge. this is especially weird if you're on a diet. why is it if you cave in and eat a bad snack or meal, that you then give your self permission to go ahead and toss the whole day away and you start eating everything bad in sight. wouldn't you want to try extra hard the rest of the day to counterbalance the junk that you've eaten? ugh, it just makes no sense.

i've succeeded in this battle before, and i'm still much better than i used to be, but my God if i could just convince myself that common sense and rationale are not my enemies, i think i could be in a much better spot.

i hope none of you are going through this or any of your own unique addictions, but i also hope that i'm not alone out here.