Rising Doubt
there’s been a thousand different days with a thousand different dawns, but each dusk sets the same.

over plains of regret, through the leaves of mistakes, chances set with rays of sun.

i’ve never once said goodbye to the doubts in my head, i’ve never once even thought of leaving.

there’s something weak in my needs that overpowers me, and leaves me watching grace melt again.

someday soon i’ll begin, there’s another chance with dawn, i can feel the day is mine.

although the sun’s out of view, i trust it will come anew, it’s only me that i doubt will rise.

___________________________

that was something i had written a while ago that i felt compelled to reread today.

it seems like anytime i make a decision, i'm met with resistance. not normally from people (unless i count myself). no, rather i'm met with a version of murphy's law that kicks in.

if i decide to diet, there are cook outs and birthday cake.
if i want to rollerblade, it rains.
when i want to write, the laptops dead & i can't find the powercord.
when we want to take a trip with the tax money we're gonna get in 3 weeks, the car breaks down in 2.

there's countless examples and i was actually starting to have a laugh at all the memorable ways i've leaped over a hurdle, only to land in dog shit. . but sometimes, sometimes i get the strength to scrape it offall of it and get to where i'm going, succeeding where i've tried. and as corny as it might sound, i believe it's where we've had to over come that we find the most reward. it actually makes me wonder if the obstacles are placed in our paths to keep us from our goals, or if they're put there to see how badly we want it.

i think it's both.

if we overcome one obstacle, we're that much more motivated to go for the next one, and with every success, we gain height and speed. laziness, complacency and a general negative outlook on life don't want this to happen because there's no telling where it will end, if at all. a lot of the bully mentality is covering up its own fear. sure, some bullies can hold there own, but most are so afraid of getting hit themselves, that their only way to survive is to keep their prey from even raising a fist.

on the more positive side of the thought, i think obstacles are a way to weed out the undeserving. much like dieting, physical fitness, studying and practically anything else you can think of, if they were easy to accomplish, everyone would do it. but some people don't have the strength and passion to deserve it and that's why i'm glad that the best things are worth the struggle. there is a lot of truth to not appreciating things that are given to us, but willing to die for the things that we have had to bleed, sweat, and work for.

we see this alot with the spoiled uber rich celebs on tv, who will never know what it's like to have to work and save weeks just to be able to buy a single dvd or go out to dinner, all the while, they're spending hundreds of dollars on an outfit to wear once and then retire.

think about this example.
think about your childhood, were you ever at a store and you whined for something, or even just asked for it and you got it. you just HAD to have it.

how long did you play with it before you were begging for the next thing, the next toy?
now think about the toy that you really really wanted that you began petitioning for a christmas gift before thanksgiving hit (red rider anyone?). i know i had years like that when there was just that one thing that i had to have. the times that i had to wait until christmas were so full of longing, pain and suffering (from a child's perspective!) and when i got that gift, i played with that thing until it was unrecognizable!

there's such a sense of ownership in those things that we battle for.

so why now, in our adult days, can we not remember those fights, how can we not remember the worth we felt when things did not come so easily. i hope that i can relearn that feeling. i think it would make quite a difference in all that my life involves.

when i exercise if i want to stop and pant or play the " i just can't do it" card, i try to remember that i can stop. i don't have to do the last 3 reps, or run that last 1/4 mile. that is a choice, but tomorrow i'll look just like i do today and i'll regret not fighting through it.

when i try to write and i spend an hour surfing the web instead, or i remember there was a show on that i just HAD to catch, i try to remember that i get the choice. but tomorrow i'll wake up with the regret because i know what i wanted to choose and instead i still have a blank page.


it will never be easy, and i think that's a good thing.
you wouldn't take pride in shooting a deer that was on a 2 foot leash, you want the hunt.
that's where you find the glory, the passion and the love.

as i once heard,
God didn't allow the deer to avoid the rough terrain, instead he gave them the hooves to traverse the grounds.

i fall short more often then not, but i try not to forget that.
that i should'nt ask for the obstacles to be removed from my path, but instead to ask God to bless me with the tools and abilities i need to overcome them.

i hope we all find what we need to overcome whatever stands before us.

good luck and God bless you.

(this ended up much longer than intended so please forgive me for not going back to spellcheck!