the truth is....

i wanted to include some pictures that would coincide with my blog post today, but i don't have any of the ones that i wanted to use saved to this computer. so instead i've included some of the ones i do have:
a) my sister with American Idol's Matt Giraud
b) a wicked cool pic that i found online and now use as my wallpaper
c) a stock picture of a nintendo wii that i used to place mine up for sale on ebay
d) a picture of my shoulder tattoo














so it's been a busy couple of months since we bought our first house. there's the normal things that go with it, painting, moving things around, making the place feel like home. but we also have been busy since day one with summer kicking into gear we've had birthday parties, baby showers, high school graduations and holidays.

i'm someone who is very content to be at home alone uninterrupted for any amount of time and as much as i love all of my friends, sometimes plans just seem to take away from my me time. it's kinda goofy, kinda silly and very sad all at the same time. but for whatever reason, ever since we bought our house we've found more joy with prying ourselves out of our own little world (when i say we i mean Rie and I, not the voices in my head). i don't know if it's that we feel finally at the place we're going to be and so now we can venture out and see what the world has to offer.







i'm one of those people (i hope it's not just me!) that loves to make plans and i love to be at those plans, but it's that in between time that i bitch and moan about how i don't want to go and how i'd rather be doing 20 different things. i don't know what that is all about but it definitely keeps life interesting for me....and for my wife. are we going to the thing, are we not going to the thing?
that poor woman had no idea what she was getting into when she met me.




but anyway, if you ever get the feeling that i don't want to hang out with you don't worry. i would love to make plans to hang out with you and we will have a great time when we're together, i just won't look forward to doing it ;-)

what (if any) are your weird little secrets about behavior and life? i'd love to hear them.

no spell check or edits here, i'm just goin!

i'm sitting here, finally having one of those minutes of peace and quiet that i pray for oh so often. this one's a little different because i'm actually writing. usually i long for these down times at home or work and when i get them, i'm just so happy to not have to do anything that do exactly that, nothing. then as soon as i get busy again i'm kicking myself, wondering why i fall into the same ruts and never get to create what i feel in my heart. my passion, my creation.

so in a weird way i'm being counterproductive by telling you all this. my dream is to write story so i'm half there by writing, but i'm not telling a story like the one i feel at my core. i'll gladly take any writing i can muster right now though, so i'll quit complaining.

moving on.

well, as many (or both) of you know, Rie and i bought our home this month. i hesitate to say that we bought our first home because i hope that this is the only house we ever live in. this is home. we don't screw around when we make a decision and as soon as we decided that we wanted to buy a house, we knew where it was going to be, down to about a 6 block radius. we moved to Rockford on friday april 24th and it has been beautiful.

i finally feel the pull to purpose that i've been craving and missing for a long time. getting home from work now i head out to work on my lawn or clear the gutters or any number of projects and what i've discovered is that i've wanted that need to toil. to rip off and alter a phrase from Chariots of Fire, when i am working on my little piece of heaven, i feel the purpose for which i was created. i love it. i've missed it even though i've never had it before.

having this place of our own has helped adjust all kinds of thoughts that i've been having about what is community, what is it worth to have to work for things, to toil over things, how important is my time, who should i spend that time with.
i don't know for sure what my final point is here, in fact i don't know that there is one this time. it feels random, it feels incomplete, but it feels right, and honest and beautiful.

i hope you can come by and see us sometime and hopefully we can share with you what this house brought to our lives, home.

restaurants & regrets

i laugh at my own misery.

how can you not laugh at a situation that involves me looking down at my stomach, shaking my head at how much weight i've put on, and then turn around and eat like i'm trying to make weight for a wrestling match.

i know it's not really funny, but just the way that addiction can make us act/look it puzzling to me.
there have been countless times where i have been determined to lose weight, i've been doing quite well and then someone orders pizza at work, or there's a cake for a birthday or any number of limitless options. and although i might put up a bit of a fight sometimes, i usually end up caving in and eating. again, the part that amuses me is how i can put that food up to my lips and yet in my head i'm screaming at myself "YOU DON'T NEED IT!!! IT'S JUST JUNK FOOD! THINK OF HOW MUCH BETTER YOU'LL FEEL IF YOU JUST SAY NO!"

and that's just it. i feel better when i eat better, i look better and it's healthier, so basically there's no positives to the way i eat and yet i still choose the path of the fatty foods. and some how i end up there every day, fighting against myself, fighting against logic but trying to gain the upper hand. and now i think of another humorous tragedy in the battle of belly bulge. this is especially weird if you're on a diet. why is it if you cave in and eat a bad snack or meal, that you then give your self permission to go ahead and toss the whole day away and you start eating everything bad in sight. wouldn't you want to try extra hard the rest of the day to counterbalance the junk that you've eaten? ugh, it just makes no sense.

i've succeeded in this battle before, and i'm still much better than i used to be, but my God if i could just convince myself that common sense and rationale are not my enemies, i think i could be in a much better spot.

i hope none of you are going through this or any of your own unique addictions, but i also hope that i'm not alone out here.

why do we doubt ourselves so much?
second guessing our talents.

do you feel a yearning to paint and so you do, only to step away from the canvas and see garbage?

maybe you can't even get that far, maybe you doubt your abilities and what you have to offer so much that you figure you'll spare yourself the lost time and pain, and don't even pick up the brush.

are you a musician that thinks every song you try to write sounds a lot better in your head?

do the stories you try to tell find their conclusions somewhere further than you think your imagination can stretch.

we all have gifts and God loves them.

do you often think of writing a song, molding some clay, telling a tale and you get ahead of yourself and are convinced that no one would want to buy it, read it, hold it, want it?

we all create and God loves it.

think about children.
some of you have them, most of us were children at one point, some of us still are.
when you look at your refrigerator is it adorned with the pieces of art that the world finds most beautiful, or is it covered with what pleases you?

pictures of loved ones, inspiring quotes and more often than not...
children's art work.

it's up there because the child that created it poured their heart and soul into it, they believed that it was the most beautiful thing that they could create and they wanted to share it with the ones who love them unconditionally.

and

because that loved one, that parent, doesn't see the colors outside of the lines hanging from the fridge, or the singing of a song that isn't impeccable. that parent sees a work of heart so filled with love and passion that to them it is the most beautiful creation they've ever seen.


that's the gift that we have.
we have a father that loves us eternally and never stops being proud or in love with our creations and our beauty. after all, we were made in his image and he loves us, his creation without exception, so why shouldn't we do the same.





keep creating, create every day. make beauty out of every doubt that you have.

Rising Doubt
there’s been a thousand different days with a thousand different dawns, but each dusk sets the same.

over plains of regret, through the leaves of mistakes, chances set with rays of sun.

i’ve never once said goodbye to the doubts in my head, i’ve never once even thought of leaving.

there’s something weak in my needs that overpowers me, and leaves me watching grace melt again.

someday soon i’ll begin, there’s another chance with dawn, i can feel the day is mine.

although the sun’s out of view, i trust it will come anew, it’s only me that i doubt will rise.

___________________________

that was something i had written a while ago that i felt compelled to reread today.

it seems like anytime i make a decision, i'm met with resistance. not normally from people (unless i count myself). no, rather i'm met with a version of murphy's law that kicks in.

if i decide to diet, there are cook outs and birthday cake.
if i want to rollerblade, it rains.
when i want to write, the laptops dead & i can't find the powercord.
when we want to take a trip with the tax money we're gonna get in 3 weeks, the car breaks down in 2.

there's countless examples and i was actually starting to have a laugh at all the memorable ways i've leaped over a hurdle, only to land in dog shit. . but sometimes, sometimes i get the strength to scrape it offall of it and get to where i'm going, succeeding where i've tried. and as corny as it might sound, i believe it's where we've had to over come that we find the most reward. it actually makes me wonder if the obstacles are placed in our paths to keep us from our goals, or if they're put there to see how badly we want it.

i think it's both.

if we overcome one obstacle, we're that much more motivated to go for the next one, and with every success, we gain height and speed. laziness, complacency and a general negative outlook on life don't want this to happen because there's no telling where it will end, if at all. a lot of the bully mentality is covering up its own fear. sure, some bullies can hold there own, but most are so afraid of getting hit themselves, that their only way to survive is to keep their prey from even raising a fist.

on the more positive side of the thought, i think obstacles are a way to weed out the undeserving. much like dieting, physical fitness, studying and practically anything else you can think of, if they were easy to accomplish, everyone would do it. but some people don't have the strength and passion to deserve it and that's why i'm glad that the best things are worth the struggle. there is a lot of truth to not appreciating things that are given to us, but willing to die for the things that we have had to bleed, sweat, and work for.

we see this alot with the spoiled uber rich celebs on tv, who will never know what it's like to have to work and save weeks just to be able to buy a single dvd or go out to dinner, all the while, they're spending hundreds of dollars on an outfit to wear once and then retire.

think about this example.
think about your childhood, were you ever at a store and you whined for something, or even just asked for it and you got it. you just HAD to have it.

how long did you play with it before you were begging for the next thing, the next toy?
now think about the toy that you really really wanted that you began petitioning for a christmas gift before thanksgiving hit (red rider anyone?). i know i had years like that when there was just that one thing that i had to have. the times that i had to wait until christmas were so full of longing, pain and suffering (from a child's perspective!) and when i got that gift, i played with that thing until it was unrecognizable!

there's such a sense of ownership in those things that we battle for.

so why now, in our adult days, can we not remember those fights, how can we not remember the worth we felt when things did not come so easily. i hope that i can relearn that feeling. i think it would make quite a difference in all that my life involves.

when i exercise if i want to stop and pant or play the " i just can't do it" card, i try to remember that i can stop. i don't have to do the last 3 reps, or run that last 1/4 mile. that is a choice, but tomorrow i'll look just like i do today and i'll regret not fighting through it.

when i try to write and i spend an hour surfing the web instead, or i remember there was a show on that i just HAD to catch, i try to remember that i get the choice. but tomorrow i'll wake up with the regret because i know what i wanted to choose and instead i still have a blank page.


it will never be easy, and i think that's a good thing.
you wouldn't take pride in shooting a deer that was on a 2 foot leash, you want the hunt.
that's where you find the glory, the passion and the love.

as i once heard,
God didn't allow the deer to avoid the rough terrain, instead he gave them the hooves to traverse the grounds.

i fall short more often then not, but i try not to forget that.
that i should'nt ask for the obstacles to be removed from my path, but instead to ask God to bless me with the tools and abilities i need to overcome them.

i hope we all find what we need to overcome whatever stands before us.

good luck and God bless you.

(this ended up much longer than intended so please forgive me for not going back to spellcheck!

main course

Garnish is a substance used as an embellishment or decoration on a prepared food dish or drink item. In some cases, it may give added or contrasting flavor, but a typical garnish is used to augment the visual impact of the plate, not to enhance the flavor.

i felt it was important to put this definition here. i wanted to make sure that anyone reading this had a sound understanding of what a garnish is.

an embellishment,
a decoration,
typically used to make something look better but not to enhance the flavor.

so basically it's not there to have any real effect on the food that it's been introduced with, it's just there for looks, for show. used to make the main dish look better



God is my garnish.



i spend very little time making choices that i know that God would approve of.
i spend even less time worrying about that. instead i just continue to live the normal, selfish, comfortable life that i have set up for myself. i can honestly say that i think about God every day but it's more on par with the thoughts i have wondering if the mail has come yet.

a fleeting thought and then i'm back to my plan.

at this point, right now, i've become so numb to my actual relationship with God that i had to get honest in a hurry and delete a sentence i had just typed here where i had written that it pains me to think that my relationship with God is so sterile. i deleted it because immediately afterwords i realized that it didn't pain me, sadly it didn't effect me at all, but i thought that it was the right thing to say after admitting that i don't seem to care about my relationship with God.

i want that to change, i've been trying to go through the scholarly efforts of reading my bible, and carving out time for prayer but that's not what i want and i don't think that's what i need right now either. i need to feel Him and i need to breathe Him.

i'm so sick of the fact that i use God as the garnish in my life. the only times i seem to make sure He's around is when i want someone to see my bumper sticker so they can assume that i'm all the things that i hope that bumper sticker leads them to believe i am, or i sprinkle a little God garnish into conversation, hoping someone will ask or find out that, yes, i DO go to THAT church and i do know THAT guy., or when it might make me look like an even better person than i've already convinced myself i am. there's not a plank in my eye friends, there's a whole damn forest. i feel pity for others who don't know or follow my God because of how wonderful that way of life is but i can't even stand on solid ground with my own lifestyle for the beliefs that i claim are better than theirs.

using God as a garnish i sprinkle a little bit of Him over here so these people will SEE my bumper sticker, and i lay out a little of Him over there so that those other people will be sure to HEAR what church i attend, instead i should be worrying about setting an example of Him by what i DO.

but so far i'm too selfish, too vain, i'm too concerned about my appearance, i don't care that i have no flavor, no zeal, no soul because i've convinced myself that people can't taste that anyway, they just need to see that it looks and sounds good and that will be enough to send them on their way with a positive opinion of me.

i want this to change, and i'm trying to be brutally honest and i hope that it's enough for now.
if i'm the only one acting and feeling this way than consider this my confession, but if i'm not alone than i would like to consider this the beginning. the start of a change in the order of importance and acceptance.

please feel free to check in on me from time to time, to offer comments, criticism, or support, i'll welcome it all.